Mental health wellness, recovery and advice
This is a page about me
I've spent the best part of 5 years talking openly online about my mental health journey, I've spoken through my own mental health crisis, to being sectioned under the mental health act, I'm open about my life in the hopes of making things easier for others going through the things that I've been through.
I'm diagnosed with a multitude of different things, I don't speak about all of them, the main areas I talk about are BPD, C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation (depersonalisation and derealisation), Psychosis, ADHD, among other things.
but I'm getting ahead of myself. Hi I'm Lydia I'm 20 years old, I'm a film production student living in central London.
and this... is my story so far.
Don't be afraid of your diagnosis
Mental Illness is unfortunatly something that carries with it a lot of stigma, fear and unknown, meaning those who suffer, suffer in silence, those who don't understand lack empathy. help me educate people, lets help make mental illness something thats talked about!
LETS START POSITIVE:
So on September 7th I made the decision to move to London, I'd spent the last two years living the other end of the country living in Preston, in the short my life in Preston was not great but I'll get on to that in a little bit.
While I've been living in London my life has been amazing, this is something I never imagined happening in my life and honestly I'm amazing happy, yes I still struggle with my mental health but no where near to the same extent I did previously. My support system here is amazing I have a GP who is incredibly supportive and listens to what I have to say, I'm now at a university that supports my mental health in a positive way, my friends don't treat me like crap and they also support me when I need it, a perfect example of this would be when I dissociate, I told them back when I started hanging out with them that if I ever look like I'm completely zoned out to click there fingers infront of my face and not only does it entertain them but it really helps me.
I'm in a class of around 9 people whom I get on with, we all laugh and joke, and its a really positive environment something which is completely different to how my life was before which is what we are about to discuss.
TRIGGER WARNING
As much as I'd love to be able to share all of this story with everybody there is, a very high probability that some people may find some of what I'm going to be talking about a little triggering which is fine, please put your own safety and wellbeing first, I'm going to put a different trigger warning at the top of each part so you can read the parts that wont trigger you and skip the parts that will its the only way I can really think to be able to do this without hurting other people (because thats kind of the opposite effect to what I want this website to have)
this part is going to be about the last year of my life which includes, abusive relationships, self harm, suicide, hospitals, police.
Anybody who's followed my journey online will know that 2018 has bought with it some of the hardest times of my life so far. I've been in and out of hospital, I've been suicidal, I tired to kill myself many times, I've been held in police custody, and I've been dragged out of my house kicking and screaming. I've been fucked over by pretty much everyone in my life. I was in a horrible abusive and manipulative relationship, so lets talk about that.
This year I met someone who claimed to be there for me, who claimed to care for me, I hit a low point took a large overdose of sleeping tablets and passed out, she hit me with "your horrible to me..." "your only doing this to hurt me" nothing I did was because of her, she harassed me used me and got mad at me for not sleeping with her. she hated the fact I didn't want sex and it got to a point where she said "if you wont sleep with me I'll fuck other people instead" which fucking hurt. I subsequently cut her out my life which was the best move I've made in a long time.
in june 2018 I was placed on a section 2 twice for trying to slash my own throat. in july 2018 I tired to hang myself, I was almost successful. the photos you see on the side of this are taken from that last admission, it was serious, I wasn't aloud the door close, I had security sat outside and a nurse next to me, during that admission I made another attempt, I tried to hand myself with my tshirt and I was placed in seclusion with a security guard, I was dosed up on lorazepam and I made another attempt, I was restrained pinned against a wall, crying out "I just want to die" I hit a very low point this year, however that admission was the turning point for me, after that I put everything into my recovery and as I'm writing this I'm 4 months stable, no admissions, no police, and I've moved to london. change is possible and that my over all message to anybody reading this.
Like I said this year has been hard, there has been many suicide attempts, a lot of self harming and honestly it didn't feel like things was ever going to improve honestly in April I didn't think I was still going to be alive, I had every intention on taking my life, and it got scary and serious, in July I got so close to death, I was found in my flat unconscious by a police officer, after attempting to hang myself, had the police not turned up I'd be dead, and honestly at the time when I came round I curled up in a ball and cried, "I wanted to die, I just want to die" I'd never been as serious as I was at that point about taking my life, it was a hard point to reach, I was sat with the police and paramedics and I was crying, I wanted to die, had I been left in my flat at that point I would have made another attempt, the paramedics stayed with me and wouldn't leave me alone, I refused to eat and drink, they had an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) and two psychiatrists come to my flat and assess me under the mental health act, in which they determined I was to be detained under section 2 of there mental health act followed my a section 3, and that I was to be removed from my flat under the mental capacity act as they deemed me to not have capacity, that was my lowest point this year and honestly it was scary, I was traumatised by that experience, my current GP told me that its no surprise that I have flashbacks of that day because it was a serious attempt on my own life.
After being removed from my flat I was taken to a mental health unit where I was placed on 2-1 observations with security at the door, I made a second attempt in which I was given lorazepam and placed in seclusion, in there I was sat with staff and security, I made a further attempt, in which I was restrained, I managed to get hold of a razor and removed the blade in which I tried to slash my throat I was then pinned down by security given lorazepam and held still until I was asleep, as soon as I woke up a security member grabbed hold of my arm and said "this is for your own protection" they remained holding onto me until I had more lorazepam and fell back asleep. when I woke back up they sat next to me and I cried "I just want to die, I can't live like this" and they hugged me, I was given more lorazepam and I fell back asleep, I was a lot calmer at this point but that was only because I had another plan, I knew what I was going to do when I was given the chance (which is something I've never gone through with) when I talk about my last attempt I never go into too much detail because it really was an intense experience, it was hard, and some how I came out alive and stronger than I was before.
the only reason I'm sharing this is because I want you to know that you are not alone.
I know a lot of people are against physically restraining patients but just think for a moment what would have happened if that hadn't happened.
